The Crappest Star Trek Characters Ever: Part 1

If Star Trek were a dish (suspend your disbelief, plz), it would probably be pan fried sea bass with sauteed potatoes and roasted fennel, followed by toffee apple steamed pudding and a glass of ice cold piña colada. In other words; taste-bud-licious, highly-filling, and something of a luxury.

Having written the above, I'm reminded of the time I exclaimed to my good friend Ryan 'Hal' Gayhill--amidst the brainal wildfire of a typical cheery-faced psychedelic trip--"Waiter, there's Borg in my soup!". Oh sure, the waiter joke has been done to death, and then some--but this is a post-modern take on it. It requires no response from the waiter; it's funny in itself (or should be--I suppose it depends on the individual's visualization prowess and having a basic knowledge of Star Trek. And, ya know, not sucking to the nth degree. Just kidding).

Ah yes, the list. Why, you may very well be asking yourself, am I creating a list, or more specifically, why a list on the worst characters? Why not the best? To which my answer is simple: having seen 'quite a lot' of Star Trek the past few months, it's the crap characters that bring me the laughs. Thus I feel a powerful urge to bring this to the attention of random internet strangers--and Hal.

So, without further ado--and in no particular order (there's no mathematical absolute to calculating sheer crapness)--let us begin!

Travis Mayweather--Star Trek: Enterprise
Aside from several deviations (He was born in space and he has an interest in spelunking, whatever the fuck that is), Travis is essentially Wesley Crusher MK II, only geared exclusively to the skill of piloting, as opposed to, ya know, knowledge of and ability in every field and expertise ever, in the history of the universe, past, present and future. Unfortunately, token Star Trek black dude Travis has none of the amiable, "Gee-wizz!" boyish charm that Wesley possesses, and--and this is noteworthy--even worse acting ability. Not a good combination. Every movement is overly-studied, mechanical and completely lacking in naturalness, and the character has almost no presence to speak of. No doubt if the Enterprise crew scanned his home of residence they would report "we are detecting no lifeforms, Captain". Yes, it's that bad. My solution to this problem has been to forcibly alter my perception of Mayweather in such a way that I now I see him as a robotic life form, possibly an early prototype of Data. At first it was just amusing, but having now fully conditioned myself to the notion, it's remarkably easy to accept. I now fully believe Travis Mayweather is an Android, and likewise--and for whatever reason--that the actor playing the part believes it too. Great character etc.

Neelix--Star Trek: Voyager
Neelix is unarguably the most annoying Star Trek character there has ever been, and probably ever will be. And that's before he even opens his mouth. I can only surmize his design and creation resulted from one drunken, late-night, pre-production, brain-storming session, which I imagine must have unfolded a little like this...
"Hey, you know that really fucking annoying talking cat-thing from Thundercats? You know, the one everyone hates and fantasizes about repeatedly kneeing in the bollocks until the end of time?"
"Oh, you must mean Snarf, whose entire dialog is almost exclusively made up of repeating its name endlessly and repetitively forever and fucking ever--literally the most banal scene-filler of all time".
"That's the one. Let's base a character on him, only we'll give him absolutely zero fashion sense, no skills to speak of, annoying Elvish facial properties and the propensity to wear a fucking chef hat that makes him look like your drunk uncle seen through a nightmare-kaleidoscope."
"That's an intriguing idea, but while certainly annoying I don't believe it's the kind of annoying that will keep people watching..."
"OK. We'll inexplicably fix him up with a wife that's ludicrously hot and light years out of his league, which will greatly perplex and anger the male viewers in equal measure, so much so that they will be unable to switch off!"
"Bingo!"

Suffice to say, it worked.